4 Things We’ve Learned About Healthy Communication for Couples

The research is clear: knowing how to communicate effectively with your partner about finances can make a big difference in the quality of your relationship. 

A 2017 study revealed that 87% of spouses [KH1] with common long-term financial goals expressed great satisfaction in their relationship. And 44% of married adults between 18 and 54 years old cited money as the number one stressor.

We get it. Money is stressful. And that stress only increases when you’re sharing the load. But it doesn’t have to be this way. We understand how essential communication is to a successful financial plan — it’s why we require both members of a couple to be present for their initial planning meeting with us at The Prosperity People and encourage both individuals to participate in the process.

This time of year, love is in the air. And while you may not associate financial planning with romance, we think otherwise. Whether you and your main squeeze identify as significant others, spouses, or partners-in-crime, being on the same page is important for a healthy and happy union.

 Over the years, we’ve learned a thing or two about communication for couples. Our clients say:

“Andy’s our financial psychologist.”

“We couldn’t function in our marriage without The Prosperity People.”

So, while we’re well aware that our financial planning certifications do not extend to relationship counseling, we often find ourselves dabbling (unofficially) in the field.

It’s the season of love, so we’re sharing four things we’ve learned about healthy communication for couples.

1. Your relationship doesn’t have to fit the mold

It’s no longer “Dad” in charge of the finances.

Especially with our mid-life and younger generation couples, we often find that people want validation that the way they’re managing their money aligns with how others manage their money.  These days, there’s no right or wrong way to share household responsibilities. And how you do it can even evolve throughout your relationship.

How couples manage their finances is just as diverse as the couples themselves. So, whether you’re in a same-sex relationship, a second marriage, or a committed (but not married partnership), if the division of responsibilities feels right for you and your significant other, then it is right.

The best way is your way.

And yes, if your financial planning roles fit a stereotypical model, that’s ok, too! There is nothing wrong with the roles you’ve chosen around your finances, so long as you are both happy with the decision.

2. Inclusion matters: Make room for each other

Often, in relationships, one person is more money-savvy than the other. Life happens. Habits form. And whether intentional or not, the money-based decisions can easily fall on one individual and exclude the other party.

A lot of tension can come with carrying the load. Likewise, a lot of tension can come with feeling in the dark.

Making the commitment to include one another in financial decisions will go a long way in restoring balance and helping everyone feel ownership in your financial future. If money conversations come with anxiety, schedule them ahead of time, or do a quick check-in with your partner before diving into a question about your stock portfolio. Something as simple as, Is now a good time? can make a big difference.

One of the most critical aspects of feeling good about money is making sure that both members in a relationship are included in the process.

It’s why we’ve carefully designed our financial planning process over the years to place inclusion at the forefront. And it’s one of the most critical aspects of how we do things at The Prosperity People: We require (yes, require) both parties are present and participating. 

Our clients say, “We always feel better when we leave our meetings. Andy has a way of putting us at ease in a way that we couldn’t even know we needed. He talks to both of us.”

3. Engage your partner by finding the right angle

But sometimes you invite your significant other to participate in something and it’s clear their heart isn’t in it. We get it. We’re data nerds, but not everyone gets giddy when discussing strategic finances. It can be frustrating and discouraging when your partner avoids the big conversations.

Instead of forcing your other half to participate in numbers-driven conversations, meet them where they are and frame the conversation in a way that matters to them.

It’s a strategy we use all the time — and it really works!

If you’re having trouble getting your spouse or partner to discuss your retirement savings, try opening the conversation by bringing up some destinations on your travel bucket list. Once your partner is looking up hotels that sit on the Amalfi Coast, they’ll be more willing to talk about the how behind the dream (including your most recent 401(k) statement). 

Talking about money isn’t always a number conversation. We don’t just seek to analyze your financial statements; we strive to understand your hopes and dreams. We ask you to visualize a future version of yourself that is fulfilled and thriving.

It’s an exercise that not only helps us clarify what our clients want to achieve with their financial plan, but it also helps us to engage those who aren’t very interested in the numbers side of the process.

When you find the right angle, you get buy-in.

4. Just because you have different goals doesn’t mean you want different things

But what about when you don’t want the same thing? It can feel discouraging when your wants and needs don’t align. Will you have to compromise? Will you end up giving up on your goal? Will the tension of disagreeing create problems in the relationship?

 

How can you develop a financial plan with your partner when you both want different things?

 

We see this all the time. And over the years we’ve learned something: Even though your goals are different, often, the intentions are similar.

 

Perhaps you dream of a lake house post-retirement, but your partner envisions traveling the world. These two disparate visions are rooted in the same intention — both individuals want to spend quality time in beautiful places with the people they love.

 

When you and your partner want different things, don’t give up. Instead, dig deeper. The “why” behind your goal often reveals commonalities.

 

Ask exploratory questions to understand the intentions that lie at the root of your goals. When your intentions align, the willingness to compromise comes much more naturally.

A little perspective and lots of communication go a long way

Ultimately, we find that when couples are open to standing in one another’s shoes and talking about their concerns, they’re more likely to find common ground.

Sometimes the hardest part is taking the first step towards a mutual understanding.

Including one another and beginning conversations from a place of love and respect will get you far — even with tough topics like financial planning.

I'm keeping spouse here because it uses the phrasing from the study.